This whole thing got quite messy for me and I had my fair share of struggling. Given that I stayed on the horse and just kept on going. My first thought was to use your text as "was" but then I thought go into it and add my own voice.
I was avoiding it and struggling to get it done feeling uncomfortable about talking with you until it was completed. So I pushed myself and really wanted to just do it.
I felt good enough in the moment and I did reread it but it was not until I sent it that I noticed how loose and poorly composed it was. That created a lot of suffering and I could see that I acted too quickly.
So all the fear and shame and concerns came cascading at me. I stayed present with all the feelings... seeing what I could learn from the experience and thinking about renaming the project.
The idea of making mistakes... MIs/TAkings.... something about the importance of making mistakes seemed relevant.
I didn't want to rationalize or be self punitive, I just wanted to accept that I did what I did and quite sure I would like to do things differently next time. In the moment it felt fine so it was a judgement issue.
I had to feel my own feelings and there were plenty of them. In the end I felt glad to have been so deeply challenged over something so really insignificant. It was a reminder that I am very much out of shape and can use more practice doing real world activities.. it I continue in that direction..
I know in the process... I struggled with sending it back to you for you to proof and I am not sure why I didn't do that. It was a funny moment where I went onto auto pilot and was so glad I had finally done it that I just wanted the full dopamine effect of having done what I needed to do.
So that is the anatomy of a this first mess. It left me feeling uncomfortable for a long time but it is an exercise in staying with and letting go, it is now in the realm of reality.
I can see there are many ways to move forward and I am opening to all of that.
I wanted to speak with you directly, partly to share with you how I felt and to discuss future procedures for this kind of activity. In the bigger picture I think that was our first little project and all that really needs to happen is a discussion about how it went for both of us and how we would like to see it happen in the future.
I of course worry about the relationship but I would like to take that concern off the table by giving both of us more room to be as honest as possible. I understand that we stand to grow from stretching our relationship but we can make that decision together.
In the mean time.. there are a significant number of steps to take to finish this work.
On the other front I am still trying to deal with the car issues. I have been taking Mike down to work and picking him up (and Clare is without anyway to get around). It reminds me of hauling the kids around when they were younger. It is a very set time and destination and I have to organize things around it.
Otherwise all is going well and it was another fully lived week and I am grateful for that. My plan is to locate my CV which does need updating and see what else I really need to do in terms of materials... I guess answering the questions is another step....
I am going to let this week come to an end with some rest tonight and tomorrow...
I know you are in the thick of transition. My best wishes to Laura for a calm and safe journey. I know it a conflicting time filled with excitement and concerns for all of you..... I hope we can speak soon... xox
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